The Three Stages of AVB’s Crouch

The Three Stages of AVBs Crouch at Chelsea – By a CFC fan.
This article was first published on in the Summer of 2012 (check out their relaunch 12/12/12).

Now everyone knows the story of AVB’s 8 months at Chelsea.

The ex-scout for the Special One and just as studious, he arrived back at Stamford Bridge having mirrored his illustrious predecessor in winning domestic and European Pots with Porto. Roman duly paid Porto the latest exorbitant wad of cash that has gone from SW6 to Porto in recent years and we were all meant to sit back and glow in the awe of a new, younger, leaner, meaner revolution.

AVB was here to not only propel us to European glory and get our Premiership back (having only just come 2nd in the league after winning the Double the previous season), he was to phase out the so called “old guard” and set out a first team that could potentially win trophy after trophy whilst staying together as a team through their best years.

As a Chelsea fan, I was gutted to have lost our title but still had faith in Carlo. It didn’t surprise me to hear he’d been sacked after the Everton game and I was worried about where Roman would take us next, if not a little excited as well.

Jose and Pep ruled themselves out pretty quickly and Carlo was still my favourite to have the job, which wasn’t going to happen seeing he’d just lost it. Then came AVB and his bendy knees. The resemblance to Jose was comforting but I was going to hold judgement, let’s see tactics, wins and formation. His first couple of months were OK and the best thing he did was appoint Robbie as his number 2 (not because of what Robbie did from March, but because we have always loved Robbie).

Now, the title of this refers to his crouch, but the above just came out whist typing away as I sit here on the train waiting to leave Waterloo.

So here goes, the crouch that appeared sometime in our first game of the season.

Part 1 – “Look how focused he is, that’s got to be good”

The early parts of his reign were successful, we were winning games and Torres had started to score. This led me to view the crouch as a good thing. This showed that DVD, erm I mean AVB was ready, like a tiger, to switch tactics at a moments notice throughout the game and had his clearly intelligent football brain firmly on the pulse of the match.

Part 2 – “He’s still down there, do you think he’s looking for something?”

As Christmas started to loom and we were dropping down the table, albeit still in the champions league thanks to some great displays by the players, especially to top the group, AVBs crouch starting to get a bit, well, awkward.

It seemed to me that he started to look confused, perhaps trying to remember what tactics he’d told the lads to play. this is partly due to us playing one dimensional football and AVB seemed to think he’d told us to play 8 dimensional or something. The part 2 crouch was uncomfortable for us to see as he was still acting like he knew what was happening, but we couldnt see any proof. This crouch seemed to say, “I’m the boss and I know what I’m doing, look at what I’ve won in Portugal and I’m the boss I know what I’m doing, Frank warm up”. We were starting to grimace. But we were still in the Champions League, the sole English survivor.


Part 3 – “Oh FFS just get up and sit back in the dug out will ya?”

This last stage of the crouch gave the impression he just didn’t want to sit next to the “old guard” that were now being proved right: any revolutionary changes have to be done carefully, thoughtfully, and with the support of the it players at the club. This last crouch suggested he never knew what he was doing and thought, as others have mentioned, he had 3 months to change the team and not the stated 3 years. Instead of this last crouch he should have just rocked back and sat on his arse on the side line. His tactics didn’t suit the players he had at his disposal and he didn’t know how to get the best out of them, which is plenty considering they’d won the double 18 months previously.

Instead of one finger over his mouth in contemplation, his hands should’ve been covering his head. Cramp had set in and the Part 3 crouch was the end of a very expensive experiment. Time for Robbie to rescue his beloved Chelsea, first take our FA cup back and then beat Barca to the final? Yeah why not. Then how about Munich in their city, their stadium? Our trophy? Of course it fucking is!

Back to March and how are we going to get away with paying AVB the £11 million compensation? Can’t see anyone sacking their manager to hire him now, can you?



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