Alternative Queen Speech [warning…may be rude]

And now TheSweetFA bring you the real Queen of England, post Christmas dinner and all those, Oh so many gins.

Good afternoon, I am your queen. No I’m not David Walliams, I’m a real one.

2012 has been such a fantastic year for our great, great nation, therefore this year I will mainly discuss our prowess in sporting achievement, seeing that anything else about politics and the recession will be the same things I said last year. This is also because, lets face it, everything else is fucking boring and you’re only watching me in case I refer to Camilla as a horse or get Harry to dress up again in the back ground.

One non sporting event I will mention is obviously the wedding. William looked strapping and I was such a proud grand mother that day. I also won a ton on the sweepstake on how long it would take after the speeches before Harry hit on Pippa. Result. (By the way, it was within 5 minutes, it would have been sooner if I hadn’t suddenly told him there’s a wet t-shirt contest next door as he was about to go up to her).

Now, onto the sport. First of all the Olympics and Paralympics were amazing and very exciting. Hands up who was surprised how well it went? I know I was. Frankie Boyle was still right last year, the money it cost we really COULD have written ‘Fuck Off Germany’ on the moon, but they really pulled it off and even the athletes did their bit and got us the most medals we’ve ever achieved. well done.
Not the Football team though. they were shit. How did Giggs get the captaincy? I love JT, wish my sons had his fight in them. Although seems my grandsons may have too much of it, especially the ginger one.

However, the focus of today still isn’t going to be this – after all its the FA Cup Final I had tickets for EVERY year, not the opening ceremony of each Olympic Games. For the record on why I haven’t been for a while, it started in protest against United winning the 94 final.

Not that I wanted one team to win over another, it’s just that I had a monkey on United getting 3 penalties and the ref only awarded 2; if he’s going to cheat he should at least do what he’s told!! The refs’ have been up their own arse all season. Mr Clattenburg was for once in the right for the Obi Mikel case but in general they aren’t ever made to explain their actions. If that’s due to a union protecting them then fine, the union should come out and explain things to the fans when decisions are wrong.

Therefore in protest I stopped going. But as most of you will know, there is always a plastic Johnny Come Lately ready to take your seat…que Charlie boy, who’s going to have to wait a fucking long to get the throne, its mine so you can piss off.

Football is our national sport and so it should be. I love it, especially when people like Joey Barton start putting on a French accent and Rafa fucking Benitez somehow still gets another job in the Premier League!

We have a new Champion of England and will have the same Champion of Scotland for the next few years. I forget how Wales are doing.

Well done for noisy neighbours winning the title and especially doing it in “Fergie Time”. That was funny. Also, well done on Ballatelli. Nothing in particular, just well done, he’s great for the game and makes my family look normal.
Congratulations to Chelsea for beating the Germans in their own back yard, that win won me a castle in Belgium after I’d bet a cousin we’d do them like we did in ’44 & ’66. I’ve still not got a Christmas card from that side of the family after that Munich game. Fuck em.

However, what the fuck were they doing sacking Mr Matteo so soon after? And for a, let me get this right, “fat spanish waiter”, which I’m reliably informed his nickname is, of all people?!! Russain logic will never cease to amaze me, much like the idea from Zenit asking for an all white team?? What the Fuck?!! They suggest “black players are being forced down their throats’. They should be made to have Omar of uk porn fame forced down their throats! Are they that far behind in Russia? Perhaps that knobhead giving monkey taunts at Stamford Bridge was Russain, its certainly not a Chelsea fan or any other premier league fan thing at all, definatetly individuals that can’t handle their sherry. To combat this in 2013 I’ve already set in motion the MI6 squad to sort them out. I can’t elaborate on that, just let it be a warning to all other fans, like the ones at Leeds & Manchester City that like being billy big bollocks and think they can take on the players.

Talking of MI6, I did have a lovely time doing that skit for the Olympic opening ceremony, but I did request that he wait at the front door, I do hate it when these people think they can waltz round my gaff like they own it.

Right where was I, and oi you, where’s my fucking gin??
Right, compose yourself Betty. Football. What ever happened to Fantasy Football League with Baddiel & Skinner? That was the nuts. They haven’t got programmes like that anymore, and even Soccer AM has gone up the swanny, I Sky plus it nowadays and just watch Away Days, ShowBoat & see what Tubes is up to.

As for things that aren’t what they used to be, I was very pleased with the FA Cup 2nd Round pitting AFC Wimbledon v MK dons. A replay was the least AFC deserved but that’s what’s the FA Cup is about. SweetFA boys did a great job of prepping us up on this one, especially when I found out some of my fellow viewers at Sandringham that day hadn’t the foggiest why it was important.

Another cub that is heading down the same unfortunate road as the original Wimbledon were are Portsmouth. They only won the FA Cup a couple of years ago and they came so close to not being here, its a disgrace – not only the way their club has been run but how the FA & Premier League can let this happen. They get billions from TV revenue and spend it all on framed pics of Fergie inside the inner sanction of the FA. Bunch of Twats. Ashley was right.
Also the handling of divers such as Young and Bale is atrocious, refs aren’t booking players enough for play acting, its as simple as that.

I also felt for Tottenham this year. They deserve to have been in the champions league to give them a decent chance of getting a better manager but got stuck with AVB. I understand he’s doing better than he did across London but still, him over Harry? Really? QPR have done well to nab Harry but what were spurs thinking?
Perhaps their fans were starting to get nervous about how much Harry may have had to do with the London Riots in 2011. He’s got previous and that Rosie dog of his is all puppy eyes and shit. People sung “Stupid bastards burned your own town” to them last season. BUT ITS MY TOWN!

Talking of stupid bastards, Wenger sold RvP to Manchester United. You couldn’t make this shit up. He even waited until RvP was on the form of his life. Not quite the same as record breaker Messi however, who I’d love to see up against some of our old players such as Sir Bobby Moore, Stuart Pearce, Tony Adams or Chopper Harris. it scored against Chelsea? Wouldn’t score in a brothel of he played in the days of Pele & Eusebio, who lived with the kicks and STILL performed. Do have to give Lionel credit for the lack of diving I’ve noticed, he does seem to be able to ride a tackle or two, but are they REAL tackles? I have my doubts. Well dense all the same. He still reminds me of Alf.

Now on to International matters and the year started with us losing our Italian manager on principles. That was a shock, didn’t know they had any after the match fixing stuff came out! Phillip was furious when it did come out though, he lost a horse on one of the serie a final games and had been told dodgy info.
However as I was saying, Capello left because of JT and the way the FA handled the situation. god knows why they didn’t just ban JT for fur games and have done with it at the start. Some things you’ll never know. Say you’ll never know because I’m the Queen, so I know why, I just have to ask.

And as I’m the Queen, I’ve had enough now. Thanks for listening and do try not to fuck things up next year. Yes public I’m talking to you. Don’t wait for the politicians to sort things out, they’re useless, surely you know this by now!!

Good luck to all the UK teams left in the European competitions, and Come on England.

Now, where’s that Sherry. Harry, have you nicked my Gin?? Harry?? Harry? Bastard. I knew we shouldn’t have taken that boy in. Is this thing still on?


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